Cool Site of the Week: Breatharian Cult of High Comedy

I normally try to save Cool Sites of the Week for the end of the week, but this particular site is one that truly needs to be shared with the world because it combines some of the classic elements of comedic viral marketing: crass commercialism in its purest form, blatant religious exploitation, and nothing even remotely resembling fact or logical reasoning. I figure there’s nothing like good old-fashioned theological BS to get everyone’s week off to the right start, and I’m sure you’ll all agree with me!

Back Story

I came across this site purely by fortunate accident. I was driving home from Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort at 1:00 AM on Saturday morning after having attended Songwriters’ Night with a friend of mine (more on that later on this week). I normally listen to The FAN 590 when I drive since the talking keeps me relatively calm and quells most of my urges to scream at idiot drivers, but I couldn’t pick up the signal. I needed something to listen to, so I picked the closest available signal that had some form of talk radio: 610 CKTB, Niagara.

They were airing a show called Coast to Coast AM, with George Noory, which appears to be a radio show devoted to things so bizarre and stupid even Jerry Springer wouldn’t touch them (I’m a first-time listener, though, so I may have missed the point). Noory was interviewing his special guest, a man by the name of Wiley Brooks.

Mr. Brooks is the founder of The Breatharian Institute of America, this week’s Cool Site of the Week!

What Exactly is a Breatharian, Anyway?

According to Mr. Brooks, a Breatharian is someone who has discovered how to travel in the 5th dimension (light). Apparently the Sun is a source of nutritional energy and vital life force, and there is more than enough solar energy for our “lightbodies” to sustain themselves and therefore not require “3rd-dimensional sustenance” that comes from food and water. Sunlight apparently gives Breatharians superhuman strength (see this inconclusive and grainy picture of Wiley Brooks powerlifting 930 pounds…he claims he can lift 1100), and the ability to live without sleeping more than 1-7 hours per week. Breatharians just float around in their lightbodies happily doing whatever it is that Breatharians do (something Wiley never made clear to us.)

Wiley Brooks himself has allegedly been a Breatharian for over 30 years, subsisting on no food or water and just floating around in his lightbody on Earth Prime. He may also be surviving on a technicality; apparently double quarter-pounders with cheese and Cokes in the 20 oz/1 Litre bottles from Rotten Ronnie’s are okay. I’m guessing since McDonald’s has no nutritional value and therefore isn’t real food, scarfing down a #1 combo doesn’t really count as eating.

The Three Earths: Earth Prime, Transitional Earth, and Fallback Earth

I’m guessing that these three Earths are Earth v. 2.0 (final release), Earth v. 1.1 and Earth v. 1.0 respectively based on Wiley Brooks’ explanation of the three Earths. Earth Prime is the “5D”, or fifth-dimensional earth, that Wiley Brooks claims to be from on his home page. All of us should aspire to become Breatharians and reach Earth Prime. It sounds like such a wonderful place:

Earth Prime has a character all its own. It is peaceful…it is sublimely beautiful…it vibrates with joy… it is magnificently alive…and it is distinctly, without question, the mature and shining “Earth”. It bears the imprint of Earth’s history, from the first glimmer of an idea for the project, through its early developmental phases and intermediary growth stages, to its final pathways of enlightment and fulfillment. It carries full awareness of The Shift, The Split, and its sister planetary versions Transition Earth and Fallback Earth.

For those of you that are real estate buyers, Earth Prime also serves as a prime real estate location. Since Earth Prime has only been in existence for 7 years and is vastly underpopulated (only 600,000 permanent residents, as opposed to the anticipated 600,000,000), new homes would be readily available and quite cheap. From the sounds of it, it looks like a great place to gain spiritual wholeness. However, check with your real estate agent as it pertains to proximity to schools, public transit, and other amenities; Wiley doesn’t go into great detail as far as these issues are concerned.

I would suspect that most of the issues listed above have already been dealt with. Apparently Earth Prime has regular telephone and cellular phone service, as Wiley lists both on his website. He doesn’t have a published email address, however; my speculation is that Earth Prime has some issues involving their SMTP server and spam filters on Fallback Earth.

Transition Earth is the equivalent of a Best Western Hotel; it acts as the stopover point between Fallback Earth and the utopian Earth Prime. It is a place where Breatharians can still stay close to their loved ones on Fallback Earth and provide them with all of the required Breatharian skills to survive on Earth Prime.

Fallback Earth is where most of us are now. Wiley Brooks stated on the Coast to Coast radio program that his complex mathematical calculations have determined that the planet on which we live will either blow up or stop working or have the plug pulled on it somehow by the year 2012; I never caught the explanation, unfortunately. Based on the sound reasoning and fundamentals that Brooks has shown us, I have every reason to accept his statement as undisputable fact and a prophecy of things to come.

But don’t worry…there’s still time, and there’s still hope!

Become a Breatharian and Save Yourself, at the Low Low Cost of Just $200,000!

That’s right, kids! You can save your mortal soul and learn how to live without food, water, or any semblance of a clue at the discounted price of $200,000! Wiley Brooks and The Breatharian Institute of America are offering “Empowered Ascension” Initiation Workshops so that all of us, the great unwashed, can learn to travel in our lightbodies and survive on either Earth Prime or Transition Earth. Where we chose to live would depend on whether or not we wanted to train our loved ones or whether we wanted to participate in the optional “Angels-in-Training” program.

Another reason for the high cost is to filter out those with negative energy; according to Wiley Brooks, the people with the most money are the people who radiate the most positive energy; Bill Gates was used as an example of an individual that Wiley would eventually target (run, Billy, run!). I feel a lot of the positive vibe from unofficial pharmaceutical salesmen and spammers who happen to catch lightning in a bottle, don’t you?

Here’s more information for those of you who wish to sign up. A word of warning from Wiley, however:

To do the workshops you must travel to southern Utah for 5 days

Apparently this is a big deal to Wiley; he enlarged the text so that we could all see it. I have never been to Utah, so I don’t know why this is such a big deal, but I guess it’s important information to pass on. (Citizens of Utah: please understand that this is Wiley’s viewpoint, not my own. Thanks.) People should also note that the $200,000 is non-refundable, as according to Wiley on the Coast to Coast program, “it costs a great deal to prepare one’s body, mind and soul for ascension.” I’m not worried about the cost issue, since I know I’ll get it back in the long run from the savings on my grocery bill. I also think it’s a great deal since the $200,000 is a discounted price, and I’m going to act now; after July 1, 2007, the price is going to be doubled. I wonder if I get any of the free Ronco accessories with this amazing TV offer; does anyone know?

The Good News: You are a God. The Bad News: So am I.

According to Wiley Brooks, all of us are God because we are creators of our own reality. We have carved out unique niches for ourselves based on nothing but our own natural powers, and as such deity level abilities have been bestowed upon us.

Since I found this out first, that means I get to be God first. As my first God-like decree, I hereby decree that no one else gets to be God anymore. You are all but lowly mortals bowing at my humble feet (which I just stuck into 24-karat gold Nike cross-trainers as part of my second God-like degree). Worship the Gold Nikes. WORSHIP!!!!! Don’t make me wrath you! I’ll wrath you good!

Is anyone else reminded of the episode of The Simpsons involving The Leader and the Blisstonian cult? I hate when Matt Groening’s creations adopt a Nostradamus quality.

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