Google Sends Itself to Supplemental Hell
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Mountain View, CA, US (Semi-BS Press) — In a stunning development, a complete loser with too much free time on his hands SEO-savvy web searcher has discovered that search engine giant Google has apparently condemned itself to Google (Supplemental) Hell.
A query of supplemental results on Google.com reveals approximately 17,300,000 results; similar queries on the various Google datacenters vary in number.
Google Reaction
A spokesman for Google, who asked not to be identified by any name other than “Insider Bob”, revealed that the reason behind Google banishing itself to “Google Hell” was as a form of self-punishment. “We felt the pain and suffering of webmasters and SEOs throughout the world, and we decided that we needed to take disciplinary action against ourselves for putting so many pages in the Supplemental Index. Since they cannot do the same thing to us, we took the initiative to punish ourselves instead,” said Insider Bob.
Insider Bob added that these listings created a significant loss of potential revenue. “We were planning on launching Viagoogra as our male SERP enhancement pill in late October, but since approximately 7500 of our Viagra-related pages are supplemental results, we were forced to delay product launch until Super Bowl Sunday.
“Unfortunately, Super Bowl ads are very expensive and that cost will have to be absorbed by our shareholders. We will not be sending out ivory Google backscratchers this year; shareholders will have to settle for 14-karat gold backscratchers instead. We apologize sincerely for any inconvenience this may cause.”
When Insider Bob was questioned as to the large number of supplemental results in the Google index for MSN.com (approximately 135,000,000 results) and Yahoo.com (approximately 480,000,000 results), he replied, “First of all, they’re our competition. So it’s to our advantage to squash them like baby ants whenever the opportunity presents itself.
“Sergey (Brin) didn’t want to list any of the MSN results because of a traumatic childhood incident; he was attacked by the rare Costa Rican rainbow butterfly, which bears a striking resemblance to the MSN logo, when he was 11 years old. Larry (Page) feels that Google employees spend far too much time in Chicken Invaders 3 championship tournaments and not enough time working on Google-related stuff, so he decided to send one Yahoo! page to Supplemental Hell for each man-hour wasted by Google employees. So to Hell with them…literally!”
Insider Bob offered one final piece of advice to webmasters who believe their pages are being unfairly placed in Google’s Supplemental Index: “You’ve got 100 pages in our supplementals? You’re still 479,999,900 behind Yahoo! So quit your complaining.”
June 8th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Damn. I have less than 100 posts on my blog. How am I ever going to keep up with Yahoo’s half-billion? They’re winning the useless page race.
June 9th, 2007 at 2:49 am
Post every 0.0000000248 seconds? That should get you close.