Spammer Providence Network and Solutions (Pvt) Ltd., Peter Patera Shrines, and More

I’m actually contemplating retiring as a spambaiter after this particular spambait. Seriously, folks, I don’t think I can top this one for the sheer volume of crap I managed to entice from a spammer without even trying. I’ve got Flash files, PDFs, mockups…I got over 8.5 MB worth of files from one spambait alone. This may well be the pinnacle of my spambaiting antics.

The good news is that this particular spammer managed to make just about every major mistake imaginable (including not Googling the name of Peter Patera, which probably would have saved them quite a bit of wasted time). Of course, that means high comedy ensues for all of us.

Without further ado, I give you the story of Peter Patera and the spammer known as Providence Network and Solutions (Pvt) Ltd.

Initial Contact: Vaz Gnanam Offers “Web 2.0 partnership opportunities”

I received an unsolicited solicitation (now known as unsolicitation) from Vaz Gnanam (vgnanam@providencesl.com) of Providence Network and Solutions (Pvt) Ltd. offering to provide me with “Web 2.0 partnership opportunities”. As is the case with most spambaits, the bizarre line spacing used comes directly from them, implying that they copy/pasted a message into my web design company contact form:

Vaz at Providence Network and Solutions (Pvt) Ltd has left the following
questions/comments/suggestions using the (site) comments form:

Hello,
We are a leading web2.0 company based in South East Asia. We look to form
a strong alliance with
an established firm like yourselves and offer our competitive offshore
development services.

At present our clients are based in UK and North America.

We believe that our customer testimonials and our growth speaks for
itself.

If you would like our flash company profile to learn more please respond
to the above email address.

Kind Regards
Vaz
Providence Network & Solutions
Colombo, Sri Lanka
skype: v_gnanam
(M) Phone — +94 777 385052

This represented a major breakthrough in offshore outsourcing: apparently Sri Lanka has now joined the list of offshore outsourcing spam countries of origin. I truly understand what it means to go global.

A Fun Side Game For You

For those of you who have read my past spambaits, look closely at this one and see if you can notice the one significant difference between Vaz’s spam message and past initial spammer contacts. I’ll reveal the later answer later on, but take a look and see if you can figure it out beforehand.

Lock your answer into the scoreboard (or press one of those Staples “Easy” buttons if you have one) and let’s continue.

Both Peter and I Don’t Understand Vaz’s Request

It isn’t an especially difficult task to confuse Peter Patera; however, most of you know that I am a difficult person to confuse. Fortunately, since both Peter and I are similar in nature (and rumored to be one and the same), Peter asked my major question for me:

Hello Vaz,

I don’t know whether I’m interested or not. I’m still new to web design, so I don’t know what a web 2.0 partnership is or how it differs from a web 1.0 partnership or a non-web partnership v. 7.1B here in Northern Manitoba. What is it? How does it work?

You also mention that your testimonials and growth speak for themselves I don’t see either. Besta lay down some evidence, Mr. T style.

Thanks,

Peter Patera
ADAM Web Design
“Now Under New Ownership Since the Untimely Passing of Adam Senour. New ownership…same quality serviseses.”

Of course, no intelligent person would ever answer a business inquiry that pitied the foo…but as I’ve demonstrated time and time again, spammers are complete friggin’ idjits.

Vaz Explains What Web 2.0 Partnerships Are…Sort of…No, Not Really

Vaz promptly me back with a thorough and detailed explanation of what “web 2.0 partnerships” are. Based on Vaz’s explanation below, apparently web 2.0 partnerships are no different than offshore outsourcing partnerships in general, except that they’re dynamic application partnerships run directly from the desktop.

Please note that the formatting of the email on the page, including the copy/pasting of various sections of Peter’s reply, is exactly the same as that of the original email. Apparently Vaz hasn’t figured out how to indicate which portions come from the original email and which comprise Vaz’s reply.

Apparently vgnanam@providencesl.com is an e-mail forward. His “real” email address is vgnanam@gmail.com, thus making him yet another in a long line of GMail spammers:

Hello Peter,
First I d like to thank you for your interest in our company. As for
your questions I will answer this in segments:
I don’t know what a web 2.0 partnership is or how it differs from a web
1.0 partnership

Actually web 2.0 is a terminology and to say it in the shortest possible
way would be to harness the power of the web to a users desktop through
a dynamic application. Today’s design and web application teams take
advantage of the collective information to create an application that
not only displays information but also process information at various
levels. Our applications have been used in the health care industry,
news media , logistics etc,. We are trained in the latest frameworks
such ROR, Php Cake, allowing us to bring these dynamic applications to
function in record time

What is it? How does it work?

Well there are various ways to strike a successful partnership. Our team
of 52 personal combines both development and services staff and they
would be at your disposal. So if you had 10 projects our team would work
on all aspects with you monitoring and executing your client requirement
at a fraction of the cost. Your revenue return would be higher as you
could handle multiple projects with our extensively trained teams
Also our service component will allow you to then extend back office and
service component support if required to your existing clients. Thus you
would continue to earn service and support revenue

You also mention that your testimonials and growth speak for themselves
I don’t see either. Besta lay down some evidence, Mr. T style.

I have attached a zip folder that contains a flash presentation and pdf.
This flash presentation portrays our design and application development
capabilities. The PDF contains some of our actual client testimonials.

We look forward to hearing you soon.

Kind Regards,
Vaz
ps — if you require pls email me your phone number so we can have a
chat at your convenience.
Providence Network & Solutions
Colombo, Sri Lanka
skype: v_gnanam
(M) Phone — +94 777 385052

Hilarious Zip File and The Answer to the “Fun Game” Question

The Zip File

In this particular email, Vaz mentioned that he was attaching a zip file (or as he put it, “zip folder”) containing all of the Providence Network and Solutions satisfied clients and testimonials. For your amusement, I’ve uploaded the zip file to my server and am more than willing to eat the bandwidth costs necessary to provide all of you with a good hearty belly laugh. I especially enjoyed the glow-stick candy raver nightclub dance beat that led into the Elton John piano solo (which can’t be disabled, so you may not want to have your speakers on when you view this…although you’re depriving yourself of all of the beefy goodness contained within).

The Providence Promo zip file (providencepromo.zip).

Additional Software You May Require

For those of you who can’t open zip files or view Flash or PDFs, use the links below to download some legitimately free and legitimately safe software (those of you who can do all that can skip this section).

PKUnzip
Adobe Flash Player (this will also come in handy to view the answer to the Fun Game question shortly).
Adobe Reader (PDF reader).

The Answer (and even more fun!)

For those of you playing along at home, buy a copy of the Walk on my Path home game, you cheap pricks! Oh yeah…you want an answer. Sorry…I had a Peter Patera moment there.

The answer lies in the fact that Vaz Gnanam decided to attach the aforementioned zip file to promote Providence Network and Solutions, as opposed to what every other useless spammer does i.e. sending the potential mark to a website designed to say next to nothing unique or original, preferring instead to adopt the corporate Viagra approach of using buzzwords and phrases to inflate their company and make it appear larger than it really is.

But fear not, disappointed readers…Providence Network and Solutions has a website! It combines the worst of “web 2.0 design”, bad code, and Flash, creating something that looks like a low-grade clone of the few good “web 2.0″ sites out there.

The Official Providence Network and Solutions website. I really love that clicking ball thing in the top right corner (I think it’s called a perpetual motion device, but I don’t recall for sure…a little help on this one, readers?)

…and That’s Not All!

Getting the Zip file alone put this in the top 2 as far as my personal favorite spambaits. But I wanted to raise the bar…push myself…create the mother of all spambaits.

I’ve also wondered what a Peter Patera career retrospective site would look like ever since I created the character. Vaz seemed like the perfect mark to get a mockup from.

So I decided to take this picture of a boxer I found (thanks James Farmer aka Genkaku) and asked Vaz for a quote and mockup :

Hello Vaz,

That was truly impressive! I love the way you made stuff move all around in that little window and that I didn’t need to install anything (except for a program to unzip the file, but my IT person, Releedeep Inahol, installed WinZip for me and I got it open).

Is that Web 2.0? I want some of that! That’s totally awesome in a rotaty and Gino dance club in Woodbridge sort of way. Do you know my cousin Tony Patera from Woodbridge? Everyone knows Tony. He’s got a sweet Honda Civic with the Momo rims and the boss sound system that goes boomchickboomchickboomchickboomchick.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about how cool that is. Releedeep’s beside me and he had a cool idea. I want to make an interactive Web 2.0 DVD of my career before I bought ADAM Web Design. You see, I used to be one of Canada’s most prolific boxers, as the Number 3 or Number 4 contender to the Northern Manitoba Middleweight Boxing Championship. I’ve got video footage of all of my fights somewhere (54 videos total, plus promos, post-match interviews and I think some archived footage of my childhood and my three DUIs, so assume around 100 videos total) that I’d probably have to convert to Web 2.0 video format so that your team of talented experts could work
with it.

For now though, what I’m doing is following the existing ADAM Web Design offshore business process outsourcing customer-centric scalable robust infrastructure model, and asking three web designers for quotes and JPG mockups of the site I have in question, so that way I can compare fairly. I’ve already received a quote back from Connerie Web Design Services of Kolkata, and now I’m just waiting for a quote from Besami Culoputa Technologies from Brazil to contact me back.

I’ve attached a photograph of myself in the ring from about 10 years ago to help you with the mockup. I’ve gained about 20 pounds since then, but for now this should get you started.

I want to have about 15 pages outlining my career and achievements, with special focus given to my 3 wins (as opposed to the 50 fights I was screwed in just because I was TKOed), and an e-commerce storefront to auction off all of my old memorabilia, with credit card payment and 20% of the proceeds going to Golden Years Gunnin’, a charity that support racetracks for the elderly. The elderly in Canada don’t have anywhere that they can show off their Buicks and race for pink slips (which used to be a big part of Canadian culture about 20 years ago), so I want to create a couple of pages that explain the charity and how the elderly can benefit and live out their autumn years in dignity and 8-cylinder fun, while bringing back something the elderly used to and should still enjoy.

I look forward to seeing your quote and mockup, Vaz. This should be really good.

Thanks,

Peter Patera
New Owner
ADAM Web Design
“Paying Your Bills With Our Mad Programmer Skills, Defragging Your Hard Drive For Thrills“

Vaz Replies, but I Didn’t Get a Mockup

That’s the bad news. The good news is…I got 5! These people have way too much free time on their hands…which comes as no shock, given their complete lack of a clue thus far.

Please note that the “teplate” spelling is Vaz’s, not mine.

Mockup #1
Mockup #2
Mockup #3
Mockup #4
Mockup #5 (or possibly 51…I wonder if the bastard didn’t give me another 46 mockups that I should be entitled to!)

Hello Peter,
Well thank you for the opportunity to prove our skill. Basically what we have put together would be 3 main functions

1. A video gallery — Fight Nights here by clicking on the link one would see a video player and if you notice there is a small thumbnail
scroll window for user to navigate the video which they would like to watch. An admin side to upload the videos
2. A photo gallery — Paparazzi — here a flash based image gallery with its separate admin for uploading pictures and arranging them in categories
3. Auction Knockout — memorabilia with a link explaining to where the proceeds go .

4. An admin to allow people to register and also so the administrator knows what were the sales made for that day along with receipt tracking and shopping cart integration. ( Paypal integration provided as standard as part of the application).
Kind Regards
Vaz
ps let me know if you would like me to discuss this functionality in
detail with you

Peter Patera May Be Getting Soft in My Old Age

Or I may just be screwing with Vaz’s head.

* thinks about it for a minute *

Definitely the latter:

Hi Vaz,

Where did you get that picture of the standing boxer from and the one where he’s punching? It looks like my arch-rival in the ring, Hector “Speedy” Gonzalez. Is that Hector? Do you support him? He’s a cheater, you know. We can’t work together at all if you support Hector. He once switched my urine sample with his sister’s after a fight and I got disqualified for being pregnant and high on glucose. I hate that miserable bastard.

Also, I’m trying to get an idea of costs as well as skills. Your mockups are very pretty and only would need some minor adjustments for the most part. The official Peter Patera logo is a seven-sided star, designed to represent the seven punch types: hook, jab, cross, uppercut, straight, nutshot and donkey punch, for example.. I can’t use the name In the Ring with Peter, either…that was the name of my short-lived TV show back in 1998, starring Sylvester Stallone in a short-lived TV role as me and Rosie O’Donnell as my wife Julieta Zuleta. I’m down to either “Patera Forever” or “The Punch Line.” I’ll keep you posted, depending on your pricing. Also, my boxing gloves are red, not blue.

Your features look nice too, but what is Paypal? I don’t want to use anything that’s unsafe. I was just going to have people fill in their
credit card information in a form online and then process it later offline since I heard I can save money this way on processing fees from my banker cousin Vinny.

So I just need your costs and stuff and we can go from there.

Thanks,

Peter Patera
ADAM Web Design
“Web Design With a Left Hook, a Right Jab, a TKO and Don King’s Bling”

Vaz Apologizes For Including Hector Gonzalez

Hello Peter,
The image was from a Royalty free database used for the mock up. ( I
dont know anything about boxing - so no offense meant)
What is the auction algorithm that you want to use.
What is the amount of action scripting that you require for the flash
movie application
Would require an automated converter script from avi to flv
Would you require action scripting to be integrated with the gallery.
Paypal is safe but if you have a direct merchant account with your
account is better.
What is your timeframe for this project?

Generally we charge 14$ per hour for the work we do. Also pls specify
the amount of flashwork you want to integrate.

I m glad you like our mockups.

Have a merry christmas.
Kind Regards
Vaz Gnanam
Providence Network and Solutions
Colombo, Sri Lanka

It’s a bit of a shame that I don’t know who that boxer is and just borrowed the name Hector Gonzalez from a fictional player on my online fantasy baseball league team. I think I’m feeling guilty about this…no, wait, I just burped. I think I’m okay now…yep, it was just indigestion.

Peter Has More Questions

Some of these questions are legitimate, too. I honestly don’t know what an auction algorithm is (unless he’s referring to the style of auction to be used), and I really do want to know the answer to the first question as well.

Hey Vaz,

I don’t know that much about web design. I’ve only had the company a few months. But aren’t these the kinds of questions you should be answering rather than asking, since it’s your idea and you’re the expert?

I’m not sure what auction algorithms I have to choose from. I just want the one where the item is on sale for 7 days and sold to the highest bidder who pays.

What’s an automated converter script? I don’t know what this stuff is.

What’s action scripting? Is that where the outcome is predetermined like wrestling? I don’t want a predetermined outcome. Wrestling is evil. That’s why I went into boxing…everything’s real and pure in boxing, with no financial interests whatsoever.

I need more clarity, Vaz…sorry, but I just don’t get your meaning.

Thanks,

Peter Patera
ADAM Web Design
“Web Design That Knocks Your Azz Out, Yo”

The TKO Shot

Vaz didn’t respond in a timely manner (he didn’t respond for more than 2 days), so I decided last night to send him a message once and for all to let him know that he just got his chain yanked.

Hi Vaz,

I’ve been discussing our potential relationship with my IT guy, Releedeep Inahol, and have decided not to pursue your ideas and any further business relationship with your company,

Just so that you can serve others better in the future, I’ve done you the favor of providing the reasons why I have elected not to use your company (you’re welcome).

1) You never answered my questions.

2) You asked questions which you, as a web design company, should provide the answers to rather than forcing your customers to learn about things they might not otherwise have known about.

3) You never told me how much your ideas would cost in total. That’s the best way to flush money down the toilet.

4) You spammed me with your initial request. Real web design companies don’t have to do that…only dirtbag loser companies with too much free time on their hands cold-contact companies and waste time designing 5 mockups for a person or company without understanding the industry that person or company is in. By the way, I really liked the campy 70s comic book boxers. All they needed was yellow stars with the words “POW!” “BAM!” and “SMASH!” written inside and you’d have a wonderful Batman comic.

Anyway, you’ve just been pwned, and never…AND PETER MEANS NEVER…contact me again.

Thanks,

Peter Patera
ADAM Web Design
“TKOing Spammy Fucktards Since 2002″

I can’t wait until Vaz or one of the other Providence Network and Solutions idiots discovers this page. I’ll bet the angry retort will be worth a serving of popcorn.

And now I’m left with the great dilemma that this spambait poses…how am I ever going to one-up myself?

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